You Keep Using That Word. I Don’t Think It Means What You Think It Means

Have you ever been in an argument with your lover, and you (or your lover) has screamed “I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!” out of some place of rage or sorrow? If so, have you ever reflected upon this incredibly strange notion? It is an odd cocktail of emotional and conceptual discord. The statement is at such tremendous odds with the emphasis, emotions, and context. How can this even be a sincere utterance?

One better. Have you been in a relationship in which your lover professes to love you – and acts towards you in such a fashion that only one who is in love would act – while simultaneously hating everything you say and do? This can be deeply confusing and emotionally distressing. It can make you question your value without any outside markers to grab on to. It is intensely bizarre to be so passionately loved and so wholly disapproved of.

What is happening is that your lover simply does not love the actual you, but their idealized you. As Rhonda Lee Roberts suggests in “Friendly Lovers,” when we first begin to date someone, we fill in the gaps in our knowledge of them with positive information, or at the very least, the information we want to be there. As we slowly grow to learn a person’s true nature, the actual and the idealized versions come together. The greater the difference between the two, the greater the resulting conflict. This happens in each and every relationship if one is too focused on their own perceptions or goals rather than the person sitting at the table across from them. We focus on wanting a relationship to work from our own motivations – loneliness, dependency, need for validation – and we imbue a person with qualities that we have no way of knowing that they even have. We create our lovers in our own image, building conceptual constructs to love us. How deeply disturbed and egotistical is that? Or perhaps it is an optimistic pattern assumption. Humans are a little crazy about that. We look into the night sky, see five stars, and call it a bull. We see what we want to see, and what we want to see is something we can understand. When we look into the eyes of another, we want to see something perfect. We constellatize others, seeing a few key points and imagine a frog, when sometimes, they are a scorpion.

After time, the realities of our lovers emerge. The character traits or habits we glossed over eventually show themselves to be deeply-set and unavoidable. We see them for who they are, and if our mental constructs deviate strongly from the reality, we begin to hate the person for not being who we created them to be. The pipe-dream meets the reality, and we get angry at ourselves for our delusions, but we take it out on our lovers, nonetheless. We try to force them into the mold we made for them, pissing on their agency and autonomy, their right to be themselves. We do everything we can to make it seem as if the problem is theirs, when it is unequivocally ours. It is our expectations they do not live up to, and that is our problem.

The only way to avoid this is to enter a relationship slowly and without a goal. If a person is goal-oriented (I want to get married, I want to feel safe, etc), they are much more likely to try to force a situation, and make the square peg fit into the round hole. If a person is person-oriented (I want to know this person, he/she seems cool, etc.) they are likely to walk into a relationship slowly and with relatively clear vision. Even better, if one enters into a relationship with no expectations, but with a “hey, I’ll give it a shot” attitude, they are most likely to see a person’s faults and, if their differences are irreconcilable, part ways without rancor or drama.

Authentic love can only exist between two people with agency and humanity. Authentic love cannot exist between a person and a fabrication. 

Something Serious, From a Friend

From one of my best friends and brothers, offered without comment:

My name is Ryan Brogan and I have two moms. They are two little sweet old ladies. At 65 and 75 respectively, they are both devout Buddhists with a dedication to each other that I hold as a model in my own life. They are hard working and are currently enjoying their much deserved retirement. I love them both dearly and view them both as my mother. They listen when I talk, banter when I call, and care for me when I need it. I am not saying this to incite or inflame  I am writing this to hopefully give you  a new perspective. They have been married in spirit for many years, but do not enjoy the same legal protections a man and woman would enjoy. I am not here to discuss the religious implications of gay marriage. I am here to discuss the hate, bigotry, and legal ramifications of the anti-gay and anti-gay marriage movement. 

First let me say that when you stereotype or hate homosexuals, you are talking about my mom and not just the one. When you see people out demonstrating against homosexuals, holding up signs that say “GOD HATES FAGS,” they actually believe god hates my moms. They actually want to do harm to my moms. I cannot stand for that. I would not stand for that against any other culture or group and I will certainly not stand for it when they are talking about my mom. People with this view believe that children raised in a homosexual house hold will grow up to be different, maladjusted, or gay. All of these things might be true, but no more so than in any heterosexual house. The use of “traditional household” is biasing and will not be regarded here. 

I am not going to list statistics or facts on heterosexual households. I am not writing this to tear anyone else down. I am writing this to hopefully raise up the standing of homosexual couples. Religion certainly plays a roll in modern marriage, but there is a larger factor in their legal standing in the state. This is the element of homosexual marriage that must be changed. The current standing is a denial of equal rights on a federal level. My parents should be allowed equal standing in the eyes of the law both for good and bad. They should be allowed the tax relief of marriage. The rights of visitation in hospitals. Rights of spousal power of attorney, inheritance, and asset access. These two people are the most important things in this world and I will do anything to protect them. So the next time you hear some one talking about their hatred of fags, homos, queers, or dykes let them know they are talking about Ryan Brogan’s moms and he will not let that stand. 

PS- I debated politicizing this letter and will not do it as it may cheapen the sentiment. However, I will say that one of the leading candidates is staunchly anti “gay marriage.” Again, he is talking about my mom and I can’t tolerate that.

Feel free to share as this is an important topic to me and to us as a nation.

The Importance of Being Shitty

            In "The I Who Says 'We,'" Stacey Ake touches on a concept that I have long adhered to: never trust someone who proclaims to be a good person. If we see ourselves in a shining light, she says, we are presuming we are perfect in light of another’s imperfections. Only when we can see ourselves as imperfect can we have genuine understanding and realistic acceptance of another’s inevitable moments of shittyness.

            We are, all of us, at least kind of shitty. We’ve all hurt someone, or been rude or demanding, ungrateful or snide. We’ve broken someone’s heart and disappointed someone when they’ve needed us. We’re human. We’re imperfect. We’re kind of shitty. This is fine. It is a realistic, fair assessment of ourselves, which is the first step towards personal authenticity, from which springs the ability for all meaningful, lasting relationships. When we recognize our propensity for shittyness, we become more tolerant of shittyness in others. We are less likely to rush to the fundamental attribution error, the term psychologists give to being a self-righteous dick. This error skews a person’s opinion such that they believe their own failings or missteps are due to circumstances, while perceived failures of others are due to the flaws in their character.

            We’ve all done shitty things, so reasonable people believe themselves to be a bit shitty. People who view themselves as good, on the other hand, have explained away the impact of their negative actions. They feel justified and righteous. They are wrong. They are just as shitty as the rest of us, only less cognizant of that fact, which emboldens them into further acts of shittyness. Their lack of repentance shows a lack of self-realization, one that is dangerous to their relationships and to themselves. To boldly move forward without objective self-reflection is to continue to blunder through life without a genuine understanding of how deeply a person can hurt the people in their sphere. And this necessary, genuine, comprehensive, and objective self-reflection will invariably result in the realization that one is, to at least some degree, kind of shitty.